Big Or Small I Miss It All!

Picture of Alyson Zawisza

If your anything like me and in the field of veterinary science you are very good at compartmentalizing everything. Your cat passed away and the next morning you have to take a quiz and then dissect cats in lab… no problem. Ask for a cat that’s not black and white and put it out of your head completely. Friend or family drama that makes you want to crawl under a rock and you have an exam the next day…no problem. Block it all out, bite your tongue, study, and take the test. You have to be mentally and emotionally strong because you never know what you’re going to run into, whether it is at the job or in everyday life. While this is great and I have gotten quite good at it, sometimes you just won’t be ok. Sometimes you’re going to have a total mental breakdown and swear that the sky is falling down on you.

A few days this week felt that way unfortunately. I’ve been taking classes online with assignments to do constantly, working at my internship, writing these blogs every week, trying to keep up with the journal I have to keep for my preceptorship class at school, not getting enough sleep, trying to figure out my class schedule for my senior year of college, trying to figure out how to take my GRE’s this summer, and deciding where and when to apply to vet school. It’s been stressful to say the least. Now on top of all that, I got really homesick and there was no more room in my compartments. So what do you think happened? It was like one of those confetti poppers going off. I did more crying than I care to admit. I’m one of those people that cries when they are sad and when they are really angry and I was both.

I miss my mom and gram. It’s been just us since I was little and they are the ones that raised me. I miss my crazy friends. I stayed up until three am one night watching videos and going through pictures, listening to songs we love. I miss my boyfriend. We’ve never spent this long apart. I miss doing my makeup. If you know me, you know how painful it has been not being able to do my makeup. I miss my car. I’m used to being able to get up at any hour and going for a drive. I put the windows down, blast some music, and just drive to nowhere.

I went to sleep sad for a couple nights. That’s ok though. There is only so much I can do and be. And I don’t have to try and be super woman all the time. While there are many times that you have to just grin and bear it, there are still times that you just have to give yourself a break. Cry for a while and just let it out. Call your best friend and tell them how much you miss them. Tell someone that you are scared, tell them you don’t know what to do this time. Ask for help because you shouldn’t and don’t need to do it all on your own. Be angry and frustrated because guess what… when crappy stuff happens YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY, don’t let anyone ever tell you any different. Turn up your music so you can’t hear yourself think, close your eyes, and dance around your room. Feel it and let it go so it can’t control you. Tonight writing this, I have a lot to do still and its already late. So I put my headphones in, put on my “Weird and Wonderful” playlist and danced it out. Sometimes that’s just the best you can do.

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